


It's Impossible, I Can't Let It Out

by orphan_account



Category: Devilman (Anime & Manga), Devilman Crybaby - Fandom
Genre: 1990s, Alternate Universe - 1990s, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bad Music Taste, F/F, M/M, Slow Burn, basically if devilman happened in the 90s, rated M for mature themes and language, there probably won't be Smut but i'll put a warning if there is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-09 10:11:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13479279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Getting ready to go to college is a difficult phase of Akira Fudo's life, but it's the least of his worries now when he reunites with a captivating young man who has other plans for him.





	1. You'll Never Know

“Wait.. I remember you.”  
  
  
The tall, slender boy looked over to the alurring individual who was leaning against the wall of his high school, which he only wanted to visit one last time because he felt nostalgic before he had to go away to college. It was already right before evening so everything around him felt chill and relaxing; trees already changing colors and leaves on the ground. He took his earbuds out that were plugged into his Sony Discman, listening to [Foo Fighters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnZ1Ft20pHw). The boy across from him was wearing a long fall jacket, pink turtleneck, and high waist blue jeans; he was smoking a cigarette and now gazing intensely at the other.  
  
  
He was smiling, surprisingly. “Fudo? Fudo Akira? Is that you?” He carefully observed him, eyeing him up and down, like he was checking him out. “What are you doing here? You’re not still in high school, are you? I mean, you graduated year of ’97, right?”  
  
  
Akira shook his head, and gulped. He felt like he was being put on the spot. “Yeah, I… why are you here? You didn’t even go here… it was Asuka, wasn’t it?” His voice was shaking slightly, his heels tapping nervously against the pavement. He felt a stir of anxiety start to dwell in his stomach.  
  
  
The mysterious figure was still looking rather intently on the boy he knew as Akira. It was hard to read the expression on his face. He coughed a bit as he took a break from smoking, twisting his neck and then scratched behind his ear.  
  
  
“You can just call me Ryo.” His voice was oddly calming; again, seemingly expressionless. He appeared to be smiling but Akira wasn’t sure of his motives. His eyes were half-lidded, and appeared to be lightly red, like he wasn’t smoking just a cigarette at all. His golden blonde hair, almost white in the sunlight, curved around his face. Akira smiled back at him, or tried to, although it was a rather sheepish and timid smile.  
  
  
“I haven’t seen you since middle school. You look…” He paused, feeling tense suddenly, not entirely sure how he would finish that sentence. A light blush creeped on his cheeks. “Ah, what are you doing lately..?” He ran his hand through his unruly black hair, his face turning more pink from the cold and his embarrassment; although he wasn’t wearing much to keep him warm other than a baggy black hoodie. His wardrobe mostly consisted of black graphic tees and old, ripped jeans; occasionally sweatpants if he was feeling adventurous.  
  
  
Ryo finally dropped eye contact, looking away from Akira, focusing on nothing in particular. He was humming quietly. Despite the chilly weather it was still relatively sunny out, although it was just about sunset, so the sky was colored with various oranges and pinks. “That’s not important. You don’t really need to know that much about me.” He observed Akira again, like he was studying him, and smirked. “What are you doing later tonight?” he asked, in a curiously playful tone. He threw the cigarette butt to the ground and crushed it under his expensive looking shoe.  
  
  
Akira was at a loss for words, and felt himself start to sweat a little bit. He still felt like he wasn’t very familiar with Ryo, his past memories of him being rather faded, and now he didn’t know what his implication meant. It would be fine if they just hung out, but the intense, icy look in his blue eyes suggested otherwise. Akira’s hands were stuffed in his hoodie pockets, his cold breath visible in the air. “Doing anything? Like… what?” He felt kind of oblivious but he still wanted to ask.  
  
  
Ryo chuckled to himself, for whatever reason. He didn’t have time for small talk, it seemed. “Come on. Let’s go out for a little while.” He reached his arm out and lightly touched Akira’s hand with his long, thin fingers, sending a shiver up Akira’s spine. Ryo’s brows were furrowed and he had a look of danger in his eyes. He walked past Akira, towards a very shiny red car parked in front of the school that looked like it must have cost a million dollars. The long jacket was moving friskily in the wind behind him as he walked.  
  
  
“Coming?”  
  
  
_There had to be a better choice of words than that_ , Akira thought; his body had definitely started warming up though. He felt like he had no say in the matter so he swiftly walked over to Ryo, his hair a tangled mess in front of his face so he had trouble even seeing in the first place.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
He joined Ryo on the passenger side of the car, and it was at least a lot warmer inside. Akira’s teeth were chattering, his body shivering. He leaned back on the very soft and plush recline seat. Ryo turned the key and didn’t even give Akira much time to start a conversation. He had trouble looking in Ryo’s direction, feeling like it would just make him overwhelmingly flustered. Ryo turned the radio on, the first thing playing being a rather smooth and sultry [R&B song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwEZRPkAAu8); not really his thing, but he left it regardless.  
  
  
“I mean, it’s only what, 4pm right now? I don’t think that place opens until 9…” Ryo’s voice trailed off, speaking aloud to himself; he seemed rather focused in his thoughts. Akira heard him but chose not to say anything in response, instead running his hand through his hair, stretching his legs, and letting out a sigh.  
  
  
Ryo glanced at him for a second and felt enamored by what he saw; fascinated, rather. Akira must have been 20 by now, and he looked almost unrecognizable compared to when Ryo knew him when they were both 12. Despite wearing baggy clothes, his torso was lithe and flexible, his legs long and slim.  Yet they still couldn’t keep eye contact.  
  
  
Ryo coughed aptly. “Do you know why I brought you along with me?” His voice was firm, yet with an air of mystery surrounding it. The inside of his car smelled kind of fumy, like he was probably smoking inside of it (again, probably not a cigarette either).  
  
  
Akira felt his heart beating irregularly, suddenly. He looked at Ryo but his shy gaze was hidden under his hair. “I have no idea, haha… should I know why?” He was grinning, some of his pointed teeth poking out, and Ryo thought it was the cutest damn thing he’d ever seen.  
  
  
A lively [hip-hop song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUhRKVIjJtw) began playing on the radio, and without warning Akira turned it up rather loudly. His smile grew wider, looking at Ryo, and was amused when he saw how flushed Ryo’s cheeks were.  
  
  
“ _I don’t know what they want from me_ ,” Akira sang along; smoothly, melodically. “ _It’s like the more money we come across, the more problems we see_ \--!” His shoulders and arms were gently moving and grinding along with the music. He paused to look at Ryo. “I just like this song, sorry.”  
  
  
Akira rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. Ryo hadn’t even realized he had stopped the car, right in front of a McDonald’s, because he was so enraptured by Akira’s behavior that his brain felt like it had just become frozen in time.  
  
  
Ryo coughed, subtley. “I didn’t know you were any good at singing.” He was still trying to keep his cool composure, not wanting to embarrass himself too much in front of his friend.  
  
  
Akira was still smiling. “Me and my some of my friends started a band a while ago, and I’m the frontman, so…” His voice drifted off. He just realized that car wasn't even moving anymore.  
  
  
A few cars behind them were honking and people were yelling obsceneities. Akira looked behind Ryo to see that they were in front of a McDonald’s and immediately got an idea. “Do you wanna like, stop to get something to eat?” He somehow still felt shy asking Ryo this question.  
  
  
“Yeah. Sure.” Ryo moved his hair out of his face, and managed to give Akira a gentle smile.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI... i'm not sure what to say but uh. i haven't written a multi-chapter fic in a very long time but i guess i'm writing a ryokira one?? it takes places in 1998 approximately, uhh I SUCK AT THIS WOW. this will probably be edited like a million times so it's far from being the final draft.
> 
> i know miki and miko weren't in this chapter but they will be there later! they'll be in akira's band lol. other tags will be added as i go on
> 
> here's a mini playlist i made for this fic!
> 
> foo fighters - hey! johnny park  
> next - too close  
> notorious B.I.G - mo money mo problems
> 
> i'll probably do these every chapter lol
> 
> ANYWAY!! kudos are nice but I LOVE COMMENTS and i appreciate if people would leave them! thank u so much


	2. Am I Selling You Out?

Ryo was sitting at a McDonald’s booth with Akira, looking out the window and idly watching cars pass by. He was at least smart enough to park instead of leaving his car right in front of the restaraunt. Both him and Akira had ordered a quarter pounder with cheese (minus the cheese for Ryo). Akira was gobbling down the fries in an animalistic fashion, occasionally stopping to sip his drink. Ryo was the one who paid for both of their meals, of course. He was smirking at the sight of his friend eating in such a frenzy, twirling his hair with his finger.  
  
  
Akira stopped from eating his burger suddenly to look up at Ryo. “Aren’t you going to eat too, Ryo?” he asked, with big puppy dog eyes, almost like he was concerned. He put his burger down to focus on Ryo, trying to read his face. “Is something on your mind?”  
  
  
Ryo was surprised at how Akira’s voice had gotten slightly deeper with his question, like he really did want to check on Ryo’s well-being. Ryo put a hand to his mouth and coughed quietly, then twirled his hair again. Akira’s eyebrows were knitted and his shoulders appeared tense. Ryo felt himself blush faintly just because he thought Akira was being very cute.  
  
  
“I actually had quite a bit to eat before we even got here,” he said, looking out the window again, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. He started eating some fries but they had gotten pretty lukewarm at that point. “That’s what I dislike about these places,” he started. “They basically just reheat frozen food so it ends up being just warm again anyway. And they charge you so much, like were both of these quarter pounder meals really worth about 8 dollars? Plus tax…”  
  
  
Akira had literally just finished all of his food, and drinking from his straw but realized Ryo was still talking. “Ah, sorry, I just--! I really like eating.” He snorted, covering his mouth with his hand in embarassment. “That sounded so lame.” Akira pushed his unkempt hair out of his eyes, and Ryo swore he could see a flirtatious twinkle in Akira’s gaze directed towards him, in his lush brown eyes, and he momentarily forgot what they were even talking about. He had still barely touched his food.  
  
  
A somber alternative rock [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xp2P6JKc1QE) was playing faintly over the McDonald’s radio, but the both of them were more tuned into their own awkward silence.  
  
  
“Wait, Ryo, um,” Akira spoke up, “I need to stop by my house for a sec. Well, it’s the Makimura’s house, but I’m staying there for a while since my parents are away on work.” Akira hoped that Ryo wouldn’t mind doing Akira’s request. He was fumbling in his seat a bit. “If you don’t mind taking me there.” He scratched the back of his head absent mindedly.  
  
  
He watched Ryo’s right hand start twitching, tapping his fingers against the table. “Yeah, it’s fine.” Akira was confused by Ryo’s sudden cold demeanor; he didn’t want to intentionally bother him. Did he say the wrong thing? “Well, let’s go right now, then.” Ryo got up, tugging his jacket closer to him, and didn’t even bother throwing out the rest of his food in the trash.  
  
  
Akira took his tray and threw everything out. Ryo was already out the door by then. “H-Hey, wait up, Ryo!” He stumbled over his feet as he tried catching up with him.

 

* * *

 

Ryo and Akira were both sitting in the car, still in the parking lot. The window open on Ryo’s side, he was trying to light a cigarette but to no avail, his Zippo lighter seemingly broken. The radio was on and the depressing [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUmgvLO5dlk) seemed to reflect Ryo’s mood. Akira forgot that he left his Discman in the back of the car, not that he needed it now, but he hoped that Ryo would remember to return it to him.  
  
  
“Is.. is everything alright, Ryo?” Akira asked, with a gulp, feeling uneasy and worried that he upset his friend.  
  
  
Ryo finally got a cigarette light, took a puff out the window, and then looked down at his feet instead of at Akira. “Yeah, sorry, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” He took another smoke. “You worry too much, you know.” There was a teasing hint to his voice, which made Akira a little less concerned.  
  
  
“I just didn’t want to, uh..”  
  
  
“Do you want to go now?” Ryo said suddenly, interrupting Akira’s sentence. “I just don’t want to stay in this parking lot for too long.” He carelessly threw his cigarette butt out the window. He pulled the stick and started backing out of his spot, not giving Akira any time to reply to his question as he already began driving off.  
  
  
“Ryo,” Akira said hesitantly, “I didn’t even tell you… what the address is.” He scratched his chin and chuckled lightly. Ryo glared at him; not necessarily with anger, but more like he wanted to take in the sight of Akira’s face; his bewildered expression in particular. After Akira told him the address, Ryo floored it, causing them to swerve across the road haphazardly.

 

* * *

  
  
Ryo stopped in front of the Makimura’s house, not wanting to park in the driveway. It was a basic looking suburban house, it had kind of an old-fashioned charmed to it. Ryo looked in the distance to see the ocean lining the coast; they were on the farthest west of Washington, north west of Seattle. Akira had been born here, where Ryo had been visiting with his father, since the traveled abroad often.  
  
  
Akira looked at Ryo. “I’ll be back in a bit, alright?” He quickly glossed over his lips with his tongue, tapping his foot on the floor of the car. Ryo went quiet for a moment. He felt like he should have said something but he felt his face glow as he was admiring his features.  
  
  
“Yeah, go ahead, I’ll be right here,” he mumbled; he ran his hand through his gold locks, his mind wandering elsewhere, not even noticing Akira had gotten out of the car. Ryo was tapping his fingers against the car windowsil, barely listening to the upbeat [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVuW3FxRCTg) that Akira chose on the radio; he was so used to him listening to depressing and moody grunge, so much so that he barely ever let him use the radio. He looked over to Akira standing at the front door of his house, speaking to a girl. Ryo didn’t know who he was talking to but he felt a sudden chill run down his spine, his muscles getting tense.  
  
  
The girl, Makimura Miki, seemed to be occupied when Akira came to visit. “I was just hanging out with, uh, Miko right now,” she said, smiling bashfully. “What did you want, Akira?” Miki was a good friend of his; they had known each other for years now. She also played drums in his band, so he would often have band practice with her and her friend, Miko, although he noticed something more than friendship going on between them most of the time. Not that it was any of his business or anything.  
  
  
“I wanted to drop this off,” Akira said, taking out his Discman from his hoodie pocket. “Don’t touch my Foo Fighters CD, okay?” he said with furrowed brows. “I came to get a jacket because it’s getting colder out and I’m hanging out with my-” He paused. “My friend.”  
  
  
Miki looked at him, puzzled. She looked behind him to see an expensive, luxurious car parked in front of their house. “Y-Your friend? Would I know this person?”  
  
  
Akira was shivering, and jogging in place to keep himself warm. “He’s just a friend, Miki. I can properly introduce you another time, maybe? Listen,” he said, teeth chattering, “I really need a jacket.”  
  
  
He looked behind Miki to see another girl approaching the door; much more tall and broad than Miki. She was raising her eyebrows at Akira.  
  
  
“Hey, it’s my turn to spend time with Miki,” she said with a cheshire cat smirk. “Right, Miki? I mean, we were watching Clueless and-”  
  
  
Akira just walked passed the both of them to grab hold of a jacket that was on the coat hanger. “Sorry, Miko,” he said to the other girl. “Clueless is a good movie, maybe my friend likes it, too.” He ruffled his hair. “Don’t forget, band practice is on Friday, that’s.. tomorrow.” Miko rolled her eyes at him, and Miki chuckled.  
  
  
“I don’t understand men like, at all,” Miko sighed. “Didn’t you used to have a crush on Fudo?” she asked while eyeing Miki. Miki punched her in the arm instinctively. “Ow, what was that for?!” When Miko looked over to where Akira was, he had already gone back to the car. She laughed. “He’s so weird.”  
  
  
Miki held onto Miko’s arm, moving in closer towards her; she was so much smaller than her but that was somehow comforting. She looked up to see Miko’s face going completely red, averting her eyes, and Miki smiled. She closed the door to stop the cold air from getting in.

 

* * *

 

When Akira closed the car door behind him, he settled comfortably in his seat again, waiting there while the heating in Ryo’s car started getting warmer. When he looked at Ryo, he saw that his right hand was rather pink and frigid, and noticed his breath was visible in the chill air. His face was pale with a heavy rose tint across his cheeks, his hair appearing softer than usual. He closed his eyes, his thick and delicate eyelashes fluttering as he blinked. The soft [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wkuqRFXNvI) playing seemed to be affecting his mood, but perhaps it was something else, too.  
  
  
Akira put his hand over Ryo’s, carefully, trying not to startle him but he still gasped quietly. “Y-You just seem cold,” Akira said shyly. There was a long period of silence between the both of them, neither of them saying a word because they didn’t know what to say. Akira held a firm grip on Ryo’s cold hand with his own. Ryo, with his free hand, continued to twirl his hair. He coughed.  
  
  
“You should just,” he said timidly. “Go back home. I was going to take you out somewhere but-” He stopped after that sentence. “It’s nothing. Maybe I’ll see you another time.” He slowly pulled his hand away, and put it in his jacket pocket. Again, his face was almost impossible to read. He looked somber, like something made him upset, but his eyes also looked blank. Akira felt like he was going to say something else, but he seemed to have gone quiet.  
  
  
“Alright,” Akira said humbly. He tried his best to smile. “Hey, I have band practice tomorrow, you should come if you wanna see me be a really shitty singer and guitarist.” He gave Ryo a gentle smile, some of his pointy teeth showing from the corner of his mouth.  
  
  
It seemed to have taken Ryo a second to process what Akira had said. He nodded. “Yeah, that sounds uh, fun.” He gave Akira a tiny smile. He almost wished that Akira would touch his hand again; but he was too scared to touch his.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow i'm sorry it took me so long to finish this T_T i've been really stressed and overwhelmed lately lol. i haven't given up on this fic yet though
> 
> this fic takes place in the US, in seattle to be specific (or like. washington whatever i don't know US geography lol) bc that's where chris cornell was born and soundgarden is akira's favorite band :')
> 
> songs:  
> our lady peace - clumsy  
> matthew good band - the inescapable us  
> the ernies - motivate  
> spice girls - viva forever


End file.
